10 New Year’s Resolutions to Make the World Better
Happy New Year. As I write this, it is officially three days past New Year’s Day, which puts me within the New Year’s Statute of Limitations outlined by Larry David in Curb Your Enthusiasm in which it is okay to wish folks “Happy New Year.”
Extrapolating that theory to the next level, I feel I’m still okay to write a piece outlining New Year’s resolutions or changes we, as a community, can perform to make our world a much better place. After all, our neighborhoods, cities, countries, and social circles are more important than shedding a few pounds. Here are ten simple New Year’s resolutions that can make the world around you a better place.
1. DO NOT BE A DICK ON THE JUKEBOX AT THE BAR
This is one of those things where most people do not think they’re being a dick or that their music is ruining the night for strangers around them who have done them no wrong. They just think they’re having a great time, alone or with some friends, listening to the Grateful Dead or Dave Matthews. There are a ton of Grateful Dead songs that do not make you a dick, but probably way more that do because of their length. The Dead has a unique sound that doesn’t appeal to everyone so playing the eleven-minute version of Bird Song live at Madison Square Garden makes you a dick. Basically, playing any song over six minutes should be forbidden. I love Iron Maiden, but I’m not playing the thirteen-minute-long Rhyme of the Ancient Mariner because I like people.
Also, don’t play double-shots or rock blocks. Nobody, aside from you, wants to hear multiple songs by the same artist back-to-back or within the same half-hour for that matter.
A good rule of thumb for the pub jukebox is to think of yourself as a DJ at a party where you are trying to enhance the people at the bar’s night. Diversify your genres and decades, play a hit or two for the peeps, and sprinkle in your obscure likes here and there.
Here’s a sample of a perfectly acceptable five-song selection for a pub jukebox
Shimmy Shimmy Ya – Ol’ Dirty Bastard
Radio – Alkaline Trio
Bet My Brains – Starcrawler
Little Red Corvette – Prince
Truth Hurts – Lizzo
P.S. Don’t play any slow and depressing shit either. Ain’t no one wanna hear that at the pub.
2. LEASH YOUR DOGS AND KEEP THEM OUT OF STORES
Unless you’re at a dog park, keep your dog on a leash. Don’t be one of those people who overtakes a public patch of grass with your dog playing fetch. It’s rude to others who want to enjoy that same grass. No one cares that your dog is “friendly” or well-behaved. You never know what may set your dog off and 90% of dogs don’t listen to commands when they are excited. Also, other people’s dogs may not be friendly and you’re causing them stress about whether or not their dog will bite yours. Some people are afraid of dogs and do not want your dog approaching them. Leash them. It’s the law and it’s the courteous thing to do.
Dogs do not belong in stores, banks, etc. Again, people maybe allergic to dogs or afraid of dogs. It’s not about you. It’s about community. Get out of your head.
Cat people never have to worry about this. Cats and cat people tend to stay home alone and don’t bother anyone except each other.
3. THROW AWAY YOUR DOUBLE-WIDE BABY STROLLERS
There is no reason for anyone to own the most obnoxious vehicles known to humans after the Hummer. These double-wide stroller people take up entire grocery store aisles, they cause mass congestion at outdoor events like farmers’ markets, restaurants, street fairs, and beer gardens. Get the inline strollers where one kid, unfortunately, has to look at the back of their sibling. Tough. Deal with it. Rotate them so one of them isn’t always in the back. You chose to procreate multiple times within a few years. We didn’t. These monstrosities make life miserable for ordinary folks trying to enjoy basic events or get through basic chores—like shopping—and they crush toes.
Shout out to the visionary folks at Human Robot Beer in Philly, who recently banned all kids after 2 p.m. in their tasting room. AMEN! They tried an initial ban on strollers because of the lack of consideration by double-wide-using folks but took it a step further after a rough holiday week with kids in the tasting room. We all know this situation too well. Parents bring their kids to the tasting room, beer garden, or bar. They order drinks and zone out while their kids run around screaming making everyone near them miserable. These Human Robot people are doing God’s work.
4. TALL PEOPLE AT THE BACK OF CONCERTS
If you’re of above-average height at a general admission concert at a venue that does not have a sloped floor, stand towards the back. Think about those around you. Height-challenged people paid the same amount of money as you and should be able to enjoy the show along with you. If you refuse to move to the back, at the very least, survey your immediate area and make sure you aren’t blocking some short person’s view.
5. GET OFF YOUR SPEAKERPHONE
Nobody. NOBODY wants to hear your phone call conversation be it at the gym, on the bus, in the store, or out in public. If you’re in the confines of your own home speakerphone your face off. Out in public, GTFOH. Earbuds, both wired and Bluetooth, can be had for under $20. If you can afford a cell phone, you can afford earbuds. We don’t want to hear your business. We don’t care about your business. It’s distracting and annoying. STOP IT!
6. TIP WELL
Tip a minimum of 20% when you eat and drink in restaurants and bars. And, don’t be trying that “tipping on pre-tax” bullshit or only on the liquor. Tip on the whole damn bill. If you can’t afford a 20% tip, you can’t afford to eat in. Go to a drive-through or take out—and still tip a few bucks for taking out. If service is good, tip more than 20%. If you need the “small-tip power-trip” to punish a worker for mediocre service, you should probably go to a therapist instead of out to eat.
7. HUSTLE OUT OF YOUR PARKING SPOT
If someone is waiting for a parking spot at a crowded parking lot and you’re done shopping show a little hustle and get your car out of there. Stop checking your phone. Stop eating a snack. Put your seatbelt on, start your car, and get moving. I’m not talking about a parking lot at Walmart or Target where there are always open spots. I’m talking about places where spaces are scarce. We’re all just trying to get in and out of as quickly as possible. Don’t be like Tom Segura who thrives on taking his time and has a great bit about it.
Speaking of hustle. If you’re a hesitant pedestrian at a street crossing and a driver waves you on, show a little hustle while crossing. You don’t have to book it, but make one or two of your steps a slow job. Everyone is happy afterward.
8. PROMOTE YOUR CREATIVE FRIENDS
Shout out to local Philly legendary rapper Reef the Lost Cauze for putting this on my radar. If you have friends who are artists, actors, musicians, or entrepreneurs promote the shit out of their work. Tell your other friends, family, and coworkers about their art or work. It takes a lot of courage to put yourself out there. As a friend, realize this is and hype them up whenever possible.
I’m gonna take a moment to promote some friends who I think are worth checking:
Reef the Lost Cauze – Spotify, Instagram
Amy Shelver’s global poetry and art collaboration – Onomatopoeia
Photographer and author Kyle Cassidy
Archaeologist and Gamer Babs Gordon
Plant enthusiast and DJ – DJ Sideswipe
True Crime Podcast – Dumbline
The Horticulturalists at Huckleberry Services
9. USE YOUR TURN SIGNALS
Turn signals were made for a reason beyond the quiz you took for your driver’s license. They work. Are you turning right? If so maybe I can cross the street. Maybe I can pull out into traffic. I’ll know to be prepared to slow down. Driving would be far less frustrating if people did this one simple thing. They make driving safer and easier for everyone around you because we aren’t all in your head and don’t know your next move believe it or not.
10. CREATE A STREAMING SHUFFLE
This is specifically for programmers at video streaming platforms. It’s a pipedream, but one that I know would make all of our lives more enjoyable. If you know someone who works at a streaming service like Hulu, Netflix, Amazon Prime, etc, please pass this along. We need to be able to shuffle-play our favorite sitcoms like The Office, Seinfeld, and Always Sunny. How great would it be to have them played in a random shuffle order and not in the order they were released? I can do this on Spotify. Why not video streaming services? This shuffle should also be able to exclude a season if we hated a specific season.
There you have it. Ten simple New Year resolutions that would make our world a better place. You can do it. I trust in you.
Happy New Year!