Hey Sixers Fans, Let’s Party Like It’s 1972-1973
The Sixers are gonna suck. That’s okay. They sucked in 2012-2013 and we survived. The building was empty for home games. Tickets sold for less than a dollar on stubhub. Sportstalk radio would go days without a caller mentioning the 76ers. That was a result of the team being horrible for a fan-base that had playoff hopes—a fan-base that had Bynum hopes. This year, things can be different—much different.
Philadelphia sports fans are used to losing. Few major sports towns are as accustomed to losing as much as Philadelphia fans—Cleveland and Buffalo are exceptions. Since 1980, Philly sports fans have experienced 129 sports season, if you include all four major sports and 2013’s baseball season. In those 129 seasons, Philly sports fans have seen three total Championships (1980 & 2008 Phillies and 1983 76ers). New York, Chicago, Boston, Detroit, Los Angeles have all won more. The Philly fan-base is seasoned at losing—losing while hoping for championships. Imagine how well Philly fans can lose if they put their collective minds to losing in hopes of a Sixers’ top three lottery pick!
The 2014 NBA Draft is predicted to have a minimum of three franchise-changing prospects with Kansas’ Andrew Wiggins being the cream of the crop. He’s the most hyped player since Lebron James. Duke’s Jabari Parker and Kentucky’s Julius Randle also are projected to be NBA studs. A Sixers pick in the top three could ensure them a most bright future when combined with the two picks from 2013, an additional first-round pick in 2014, and the salary cap space expected in 2014.
How many games can this Sixers team win, 15? If we, as a fan-base, hope for losses we’ll only be disappointed 15 out of 82 times. In those wins, we’ll probably witness breakout games from future stars like Carter-Williams and Noel. Those performances would give us a glimmer of hope. That’s a win-win situation.
Now, the 76ers organization cannot tank the season without league repercussions. No one is asking them to throw games. They simply won’t have the talent, even when trying their hardest, to win. So, let’s make the best of it. We might as well make the season one big celebration of losing for the sake of the future. Here are some changes that the Sixers’ Marketing Department can make to embrace the current talent and energize the fan-base:
New Warm-up Song: Fleetwood Mac’s “Don’t Stop Thinking About Tomorrow.” It worked for Bill Clinton’s campaign.
Music for Player Introductions: The theme to the Pennsylvania Lottery broadcast.
Ed MacMahon impersonator to be the new PA announcer for some of that Publishers Clearing House mojo.
Music for after a loss: This is a toss-up between U-2’s “It’s a Beautiful Day”, Survivor’s “Eye of the Tiger,” or Gloria Gaynor’s “I Will Survive.”
Confetti after both wins and losses.
New Mascot: They shelved Phil E. Moose. That’s fine. Work out a corporate sponsorship with Powerball and borrow the top-hat wearing red power-ball furry mascot for the Wells Fargo Center.
Fans 18 and over receive a free instant scratch off after every loss.
10% off at FIVE BELOW stores throughout the city the day after any Sixers loss.
Half court shots: Back in the day, the Sixers used to have fans attempt a half-court shot to win an all-inclusive trip to an Island like Aruba. Bring back the Aruba trips, but make the fans shoot basketballs painted like lottery balls from half-court.
New Era Free Cap Night for fans 18 and under. Each fan receives a New Era baseball cap in Sixers colors with the word SALARY across the front.
Lottery Drawing Cam: Instead of Bongo Cam, let’s have spectators mimic the motion of pulling a lottery ball from the lottery machine on the jumbotron with lottery music playing.
Bobblehead Night: Sixers bobblehead giveaway with a lottery ball bobbing on top of a Sixers’ player’s body.
Joan Ginther: The “Luckiest Woman in the World.” Ms. Ginther has won four lottery prizes, each totaling over one million dollars. She’s won one lottery ball pick-six drawing for $5.4M, then proceeded to win instant scratch off tickets worth $2M, $3M, and $10M. Instead of Kate Smith, can the Sixers have Joan sing God Bless America before every game? At the least, give her courtside seats so that her luck might rub-off on the franchise. Maybe the student-housing tycoon who is often kneeling on the court would offer up his court-side seats for one year.
By the way, mathematicians claim that the odds of winning the four lotteries, as Joan did, is 1 in 18 septillion. To put that in perspective, they say there are only one septillion grains of sand on Earth.
Corporate Sponsorship with the Pennsylvania lottery and the slogan: “The Sixers are going to win the lottery in May. You can with the lottery every day!”
Bring Pat Back. The last time the 76ers organization won the number one pick in the Draft lottery, Pat Croce was the team’s representative at the lottery. It’s about time this organization brings Pat Croce back and the best way to begin would be to have him represent the team, the city, and the 76ers fans at the lottery in 2014.
There you go. That’s a beginner blueprint to make the most of the 2013-2014 Philadelphia 76ers season. Feel free to add your own ideas in the comments, if I can figure out how to turn them on. And remember, let’s party like it’s 1972-73—the season the Sixers won a league-worst 9 games!