REASONS TO BOO: Chipper

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Chipper JonesWelcome to Reasons to Boo, where I deflect this city’s misguided self-flagellating by scouring our dumb world in search of the inanities, inequities, and insufferable insolents that are more deserving of a good hearty BOOOOOOOOOOOO While generally this column will be reserved for more timely subjects, I would be remiss to not take this first opportunity to explore an all-time hate: retired Phillie-killer and all around douche Larry Wayne “Chipper” Jones. I know this is well-worn territory, but seriously…can you ever boo a dude who named his son after Shea stadium because he played so well there enough?

INT. ATLANTA BRAVES SPRING TRAINING FACILITY-DAY It’s spring training, 1993. 1990’s number one overall pick Larry Jones sits contently at his locker, exuding confidence. Up walks veteran and former MVP Terry Pendelton.

TERRY:
Hey there, Larry. I know this is your first time up here and from what I hear you’re quite a ball player. Being a rookie can be tough and some of these guys might give you a hard time but we are all excited that you’re here. Just remember that.

LARRY:
Call me “Chipper” TERRY: Yyyyyeaaaa,look, Bobby told me to look out for you, so that’s what I’m here to do. Some of these older guys,they can be ruthless. You might want to drop the nickname for now. LARRY: Call me “Chipper”

TERRY:
I don’t think you understand. Guys like Deion are really gonna make fun of you. You’re setting yourself up to be laughed at. I mean, “chipper”? It’s a little juvenile. If you don’t lose it now, you’re gonna go through your whole career with that terrible nickname. You might regret it. Think about when you’re 40. People are gonna be calling a 40 year old man “Chipper”.

LARRY:
Call me “Chipper”

Young “Chipper” steps out from behind his locker door to reveal he is wearing knee high stirrups with his uniform. He nods his head and pounds his glove with his fist a few times. Terry Pendelton shakes his head in disgust and walks out of the room, calling “Chipper” an asshole under his breath.

I hate everything about Chipper Jones. From his dude-in-flip-flops-and-sleeveless-Kid-Rock-T-shirt-looking face to his well publicized off-the-field douchery (even his adulterously conceived lovechild with a hooters waitress seems more dickish for its lack of originality) to his incessantly great, videogame-like numbers against the Phillies Seriously, he has a .332/.444/.598 career line against the Fightin’s. Oh, and did I mention he calls himself friggin’ “Chipper”. He actually chose to be called that. He could have stuck with Larry or come up with a better nickname like, I don’t know, literally anything else. But Chipper? Come on, bro.

Anyway, as the goateed face of a team that perpetually owned the NL (save one glorious, mullet-ridden season) for over a decade, this dude has enraged me since I was old enough to understand what it is to hate. In fact, right now I cannot think of a person on this planet I hate more than Chipper Jones. Ok, maybe THIS GUY, but that’s it!

Those less incensed by this cretin argue that his Hall of Fame numbers, free of context and axe body spray, deserve recognition and that he was entitled to the applause and honor he received from the Phillies and other organizations during his farewell/retirement tour last year. Maybe. I won’t argue the validity of that point. I’d just ask those people look at this picture for 10 seconds without trying to put their fists through their computer monitors.

So next time you see Jimmy not run out a pop-up, or Bastardo walk the first 2 batters on in the 8th, and you feel that angry onomatopoeic utterance rising up from your gut, swallow it back down and save it for Larry Wayne Jones. Remember, the Braves only got one championship out of their run and while we not be winning a division this year, at least no one on our team has ever had a nickname as dumb as “Chipper”.

written by: Vance Chalmers (twitter:@VanceChalmers)