Confessions of Philly Queer Eye Guy

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Queer Eye Philly
“One of the functions that things like professional sports play, in our society and others, is to offer an area to deflect people’s attention from things that matter, so that the people in power can do what matters without public interference.”
― Noam Chomsky

I don’t know what’s happened to me. This whole Covid-19 pandemic jawn has changed me in ways that I never thought imaginable. Sports are returning and I’m kind of…eh. If that wasn’t odd enough, I’m also now a Queer Eye guy.

We all know the internet is a safe space so I’ll be honest. I used to find the day before and after the Major League Baseball All-Star Game the two most depressing days of the year because there aren’t any professional or college games on television those days. We’re currently like a hundred days into the pandemic and there aren’t any North American sports on, aside from Golf and MLS, and I’m surviving. Honestly, I kind of like it.

I have way more time to focus on family, projects that I procrastinated doing, hanging with friends outdoors while socially distanced and masked, and talking without the distraction of sports. The dogs are loving the long walks. What the hell is happening to me?

I went into this year thinking I’d be obsessed with 76ers starting five. In reality, I’m obsessed with the Fab Five. We’re not talking University of Michigan’s 1991 Fab Five basketball team. Nope. We’re talking the Fab Five from the series Queer Eye.

I really can’t believe it myself. I hated the original inception, Queer Eye for the Straight Guy. The energy felt frenetic. The jokes felt forced. Everything was over-the-top like theater kids after a couple rails of coke. That’s nothing remotely like the reboot, Queer Eye.

HOW DID IT HAPPEN?

I’ll warn ya how it happened so it doesn’t happen to you. They filmed season 5 in Philly. I wanted to see how the city looked and I heard a t-shirt from the local female punk band Vixen77 was in episode two. That’s where I started. Season Five. Episode two.

I saw the Vixen77 t-shirt, which looked great on food expert Antoni. It’s great seeing local neighborhoods and places like Humphreys Flag Company, La Colombe, Fiore, Cry Baby Pasta.

I also saw a show full of empathy, kindness, and inspiration. It’s the kind of show that makes the eyes well up every darn time, like Undercover Boss, but far better. So, if you don’t like reality shows that are perfect to watch alone or with your partner and filled with empathy, kindness, inspiration, and will most likely make you cry, do not put on Season 5 from Philadelphia. You better not try the Tokyo season either…or the Kansas City season.

This Fab Five (Antoni-food, Karamo-culture, Tan-clothing, Bobby-decor, Jonathan-grooming) bring an enormous amount of positivity and compassion to people’s struggles and lives. They connect with each person about trauma, dreams, relationships, and somehow, over the course of one week, change people from on the outside and, more importantly, within. They don’t just dump new styles, looks, and decor on them. The Fab Five spend a brief, but quality, amount of time getting to know the folks they ask them to pick out styles they like and work from there. Comfort is always important to the Fab Five, who are basically a roving band of fun life coaches. And, they do it all in FIVE DAYS!

CH-CH-CH-CHANGES.

I’m now in a tumultuous cycle of life evaluation. How can I make my house more conducive to the energy I want to put out into the world? Do I really need beard oil and face moisturizer with SPF? Do I have clothes to be taken seriously in meetings outside of suits? Is there any past trauma holding me back and keeping me blogging in my parents’ basement? Is it self-doubt? It might be, but it might not be. See? I doubt myself all the time.

I’m telling you. I’m a changed person. I ordered some new threads. I’m actually listening to a Disco Fever playlist on Spotify and typing while jamming to Donna Summer’s Hot Stuff.

If you asked me one hundred days ago who would be my top five people to have beers with it would have probably been Bill Murray, Charles Barkley, Bill Raftery, Willie Nelson, and Snoop. Now, It’s probably Antoni, Tan, Karamo, Jonathan, and Bobby.

So, to repeat, if you have zero interest in being entertained with a reality show based in Philly that is full of positivity, empathy, compassion, and inspiration, nor do you want to be motivated in any way to improve your life and your world do not, I repeat, do not watch Season 5 of Queer Eye. And forget about the Kansas City season where they change the lives of people who have never interacted with a gay individual or folks who own nothing but camouflage clothing. It’ll change you. I’m warning you.

Pardon me as I go binge the remaining seasons before the Phillies start tomorrow and Sixers and Flyers soon after. I want to maximize the inspiration that I consume before the world of sports returns and possibly rears its distracting head.

Wear a mask. Black Lives Matter. Queer Eye is a great show, especially season five from Philly.