15 Reasons Philly is Undeniably Better than Pittsburgh
Yeah, yeah, Pittsburgh has more Super Bowls, Stanley Cups, and World Series wins than Philadelphia. Those rednecks living in Pittsburgh like to gloat about it whenever they can. And that’s okay because without all of that, those yinzers have nothing else going on. Don’t hate them, well yeah hate them but also pity them. It’s tough living in a third-world city.
As the Flyers head into this series vs. the Penguins as 2-1 underdogs, it’s important to realize how much better Philadelphia is than that cute, little town across the state where they cling to their championships like a piece of meatloaf to Reid’s moustache.
How much better than Pittsburgh is Philly? Let us count the ways.
1. Their coolest cemetery is the Allegheny Cemetery. It’s the 6th oldest cemetery in the U.S. dating back to 1844. Thomas Mellon is probably the only name anyone would recognize of all those interred at Allegheny. Here is his grave.
That’s what they got in their historical cemetery. A bunch of Civil War people no one heard of in history class and a banker?
Philly has Laurel Hill Cemetery. It is the 2ND OLDEST RURAL CEMETERY in the U.S., not the 6th. Laurel Hill was founded in 1836 and has numerous names everyone knows such as:
Let’s not kid anyone. That’s a cemetery mic drop right there and not because of how great Harry Kalas was. That is just the coolest burial jawn anyone has ever seen. The cool factor doesn’t stop there with Harry the K. Nope. If there was any doubt that Laurel Hill Cemetery was better than Pittsburgh’s Allegheny Cemetery, I give you this:
Philly 1 Pittsburgh 0.
2. Pittsburgh has those highly annoying and hideous amphibious sight-seeing vehicles known as ducks. Yup, you can tour Pittsburgh via its plethora of rivers on a Just Ducky tour.
Philly doesn’t have no ducks. Nope. Used to, but don’t anymore. They left the city a couple of years ago. You know why? Because Philly is too cool for those ridiculous vehicles…and a couple of unfortunate events. The point is the ducks are not in Philly.
Philly 2, Pittsburgh 0.
3. The best school in Pittsburgh is Carnegie-Mellon. What is that? Sounds like an ambulance-chasing law firm of two drunk lawyers from the U.K. Does Carnegie-Mellon even have sports teams?
You see this?
That right there is an Ivy League institution on higher learning. There ain’t no Ivy schools in Pittsburgh. Carnegie-Mellon is so proud of their longevity that their date of founding “1900” on their logo. You know what’s old? Penn. Penn was established in 1740. Penn also went to the Final Four in 1979 only to be defeated by the Michigan State buzzsaw led by Magic Johnson.
Philly 3, Pittsburgh 0
4. The big art museum in Pittsburgh dedicated to one artist is Andy Warhol. Are you kidding me? This drugged out, overrated hack with terrible hair is the artist they decided to honor? Dude painted a friggin’ soup can.
What’s Philly got? Maybe you’ve heard of Rodin and The Thinker?
Philly 4, Pittsburgh 0.
5. Both cities have Segway tours so this is a tough call. Segways just suck. I’d love to see the wheelie kids bunny-hop on those segways until they were smashed to pieces. No adult should be see riding through the streets on one of these devices. This is where robots, mechanics, psychic, something went haywire. Philly wins this Segway war though and I’ll tell you why.
If you look on tripadvisor.com (which I love) and seek out things to do in Pittsburgh, the Segway Tour comes up as the #36 best activity in Pittsburgh.
Philly’s Segway Tour comes in as the 51st activity to do.
That means there are 15 more interesting things to do in Philadelphia than Pittsburgh before anyone should think about a Segway Tour. Seriously though, these things should be banned just because it can ruin a person’s image and credibility for life and they don’t realize it. People need to be saved from themselves.
Philly 5, Pittsburgh 0.
6. See two photos above for the Segway comparisons. You’ll notice that tripadvisor.com only lists “192 things to do near Pittsburgh” while the same site lists “467 things to do near Philadelphia.”
Philly 6, Pittsburgh 0.
7. Philly’s children’s museum is far better than Pittsburgh’s. I haven’t even been to Pittsburgh’s, but I can tell it sucks just by the name. Look at it:
You see anything missing? Look at Philly’s kid’s museum:
It’s the “Please Touch Museum.” Everyone knows children like to explore the world with their hands. They want to touch things. Now, I don’t know if they allow children to touch anything at the Pittsburgh Children’s Museum. I’m going to assume they do not because they’d definitely put that in the title, right? That way parent’s know what they’re getting into. Philly’s Please Touch Museum asks the children nicely to touch things, to learn from tactile sensations. In fact, the name could be read as pleading with children to have fun with their hands…PLEEEEEEEEEASE Touch Museum. Ask any kid if they want to go to the Children’s Museum or the Please Touch Museum and it’s a slamdunk for the Please Touch jawn.
Philly 7, Pittsburgh 0.
8. CHINATOWN. Philly has one. Pittsburgh doesn’t.
Philly 8, Pittsburgh 0.
9. Pittsburgh has Randyland, which is a colorful public art landmark according to wikipedia. To me, it just looks like a funky dollhouse with some gardens and an eclectic collection of toys and junk including pink flamingos, mannequins, and plastic dinosaurs. They might as well call it Hoarderland.
I think Pittsburghians like it because it’s colorful and their city is so drab and dreary. We have something colorful and eclectic here in Philly, but it’s full of actual artwork. The Magic Gardens is a trippy, beautiful oasis of artistically crafted and designed mosaics that makes one feel like they are on a glorious, safe and happy acid trip. It’s not junk and toys that you’d find in on a front lawn in Levittown.
Philly 9, Pittsburgh 0.
10. Philly is the city of neighborhoods. There must be upwards of seventy legitimate neighborhoods in Philly. How many of those neighborhoods are named after other cities? None. We are creative enough in this great city to come up with names unique to the area.
One of the more popular neighborhoods in Pittsburgh is where the University of Pittsburgh is located and it’s called Oakland.
Oakland? Oakland in Pittsburgh? This had to be one of the most confusing things I encountered when I spent time near Pittsburgh while attending IUP. How does this make sense at all? I can’t imagine a neighborhood in Philly called New York, Los Angeles, or Seattle. That’s a total violation.
Philly 10, Pittsburgh 0.
11. Ever hear of the Duquesne Incline in Pittsburgh? It’s an inclined plane railroad that takes riders up the side of Mount Washington for an elevated view of Pittsburgh.
This popular ride takes passengers 800 feet high to check out the Pittsburgh skyline. Philadelphians have an elevated view of their city, too. It’s the One Liberty Observation Deck and it’s 883 feet above ground. BAM…83 FEET HIGHER!
Philly 11, Pittsburgh 0.
12. Pittsburgh landmark building is the University of Pittsburgh’s Cathedral of Learning. Every Monday Night Football telecast shows the Cathedral the same way they’ll show cheesesteaks during games in Philly. Maybe you recognize it.
It’s a high-rise classroom building. I guess that’s kind of cool. Philly has a cathedral on a college campus, too. It’s called the Cathedral of College Basketball or The Palestra.
If that’s not good enough for a win in this category, Philly has another iconic building. We like to call it Independence Hall.
Philly 12, Pittsburgh 0.
13. Pittsburgh has had what 3 musical acts that anyone knows? Rusted Root, Wiz Khalifa, Christina Aguilera. That’s about it. I could probably list 100 acts from Philly but we’ll just go with The Roots, Patti Labelle, Gamble & Huff, Hall & Oates, Chubby Checker, Teddy Pendergrass, Jill Scott, Boyz II Men, Eve, The Stylistics, The Dead Milkmen, Diplo, Meek Mill, Schoolly D, The Delfonics, and The War on Drugs.
Philly 13, Pittsburgh 0.
14. They have Iron City and Iron City Light Beer. We have Yards and Philly Brewing Company.
Philly 14, Pittsburgh 0.
15. 
Philly 15, Pittsburgh 0.
Pittsburgh is quaint. I know some great people out there, but it ain’t no Philly. Philly is a world-class city. No matter what happens in Flyers and Penguins series or in any sport we will always know that our town is better than theirs.
That being said, I just grabbed the Flyers and those 2-1 odds. Let’s Go Flyers!
P.S. Please no Kate Smith.