Men: Embrace the Bidet.

It’s the middle of the day or just after you shower and nature calls. It’s the worst, even when it’s a solid, healthy movement. A clean expulsion requiring only one or two wipes of toilet paper is as rare as a Ben Simmons 3-pointer. More often than not, it is as if hundreds of butt-crack hairs all high-fived the exiting Baby Ruth before it cannonballed into the bowl.

Some days, you feel like you’ve used an entire roll of paper in the quest to see that white toilet paper without any visible signs of shrapnel or streaks after a swipe. You may not use those soft, fancy brands because they clog toilets so sometimes the delicate skin back there takes a beating. And, then, it’s time for another shower. You can’t go about your day after moving the bowels and actually feel clean.

Some have suggested just hopping straight into the shower after an at-home dump, but who wants to funk up a wash rag or loofah by putting it into direct contact with fecal matter?

Some have suggested baby wipes, but every plumber will tell you that baby wipes are not flushable no matter what they claim. They are a drain’s worst nightmare so they have to go into the trash can. Who wants a can full of poop-stained baby-wipes in their bathroom?

Men are also actually wiping too hard and causing medical conditions in their quest for butt-cleanliness. They’re causing an uptick in a condition called Polished Anus Syndrome. Mental Floss, Men’s Health and Lifehacker have all done stories on men and butt-wiping.

From the Mental Floss piece:

Dermatologist Curtis Asbury tells Mental Floss that “perianal dermatitis,” also known as “polished anus syndrome,” is on the rise. The American Society of Colon and Rectal Surgeons says it affects up to 5% of the population, especially men and the middle-aged. And it’s partly because people are wiping too hard with dry toilet paper.

Trimming the hairs back there certainly helps. Do you really want to add butt-crack trimming to the exhaustive grooming schedule of a middle-aged male? There is already weekly maintenance on the beard/goatee, ear, and nose follicle growth. I’ve recently had to add one or two eyebrows to the list as they are trying to get all Andy Rooney on me. Adding regular butt-crack hair trimming might be too much.

A trip to Tokyo, Japan felt like bathroom utopia because of one major reason. They have bidets built into their toilet seats. Now, the bidet can be a scary, intimidating piece of equipment. I must tell you, it’s a poop-dude’s best friend. You’ve never felt so clean and refreshed.

No need for a shower afterwards.

No butt-chaffing from excessive wiping.

Pure #2 bliss.

I looked into the Japanese toilet seats in the US. They were far too expensive for me to justify purchasing and I would have to run electricity over toward the toilet.

Thanks to a friend’s recommendation, my world has now changed dramatically and yours can too. Who knew there were bidet toilet attachments available for less that $35 that actually work. The one I bought had over 6,600 reviews on Amazon and an average rating of 4.5 stars. It’s a 5-star in my book.

It doesn’t have electricity so there’s no drying, heat, or massaging as in most of Tokyo. However, the cleaning function works splendidly.

No longer do I dread the post-shower or mid-afternoon deuce. I’m saving the forests because my toilet paper use has to be down over 75%. I’m also helping to save the environment as my water consumption has reduced due to no more post-deuce showers.

Men, don’t be afraid. Save the forests, the environment, and your butts. Look into adding a toilet seat bidet attachment. It’s a total game-changer.

Here’s the jawn I bought if interested.

As always thanks for reading. If you have some men in your world that could use some butt-saving, please share.