10 Things Phillies Players Could’ve Been Doing That’s Worse Than Fortnite

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ESPN’s Jeff Passan wrote a story today about Carlos Santana smashing a clubhouse television because Phillies players were playing Fortnite during a Phillies game…DURING A PHILLIES GAME.

Santana is uncertain why Phillies players believed it was acceptable to spend the game in the clubhouse. “I don’t know what happened,” he said, “but I’ve never seen that in my life — during the game, playing video games. It’s not professional. Each team is everybody all together. I understand we’re eliminated for the season, but you have to have pride. …

That’s not a great look for Gabe Kapler as he leads one of the younger teams in baseball. The team is on a losing streak. They’ve been eliminated from the Playoffs. The players were most likely pitchers who had zero chance of playing. I get it, but it’s a bad look to let the players check out and head to the clubhouse to play Fortnite.

Some have come to Gabe’s defense and even pointed out it could be worse, the players could’ve been getting “slammed” in the clubhouse like back in the 90s.

@brettr527 put the situation in perspective for me. Hey, it could be worse. They could’ve been getting slammed, which I think he means drinking. I’m not sure. That being said, here are 10 things the Phillies players could’ve been doing in the clubhouse during a game that would be worse than playing Fortnite.

1. LARPING. If you don’t know, that stands for Live Action Role Playing. The downside of this would be that the players wouldn’t be in their uniforms in case they were needed for a last-minute pinch-hitting appearance. They’d most likely be in medieval garb like these folks:

2. ROLLERBLADING. Again, tough to get the skates off and the cleats on with a quickness. Plus, Philly has enough rollerbladers. You see them taking up lanes of traffic or bike lanes so they skate through the city instead of a proper skating rink like we used to back in my day on the double-wides after walking three miles in the snow to get to the rink. They’re a road hazard and few things are as annoying as the lead rollerblader on these “free skates” standing in an intersection, holding up traffic, so the group can get through safely. We need no more rollerbladers.

3. WATCHING GIRLS. We don’t need teammates getting caught up in the drama of Girls and fighting over their favorite characters. I mean, all of the characters are so likable that it’s totally reasonable teammates could come to fisticuffs defending Soshanna or Jessa during riveting scenes such as this:

4. JAZZERCISING. This once popular dance of the 80’s combines horrible music and some controversial moves. While most professional athletes are in top physical conditioning, Jazzercise is unlike anything they’ve ever done. Players doing a Jazzercise routine without proper supervision could easily pull a hammy or oblique and miss considerable time.

5. WIDDLING WOOD. We don’t need Phillies pitchers widdling owls out of sticks of wood with sharp knives unless they’re wearing oyster shucking gloves.

6. COMPARING THEIR JUNK. God knows how Carlos Santana would have reacted to this. No one needs a bat to their junk.

7. WATCHING UNWRAPPING VIDEOS. No one over 36 months-old should be watching these videos.

 

8. READING 50 SHADES OF GREY. I’m all for reading and whatever your kink is, as long it’s between consenting adults, but this stuff is just terribly written. If you need something similar that is a better work of literary fiction try out a book by the first guest on my The Philly Blunt Podcast, Feminista Jones‘ Push the Button

9. MANSCAPING. I manscape. All men should manscape (groom your back, shoulders, and nether region) as a courtesy to your partner or spouse. Teammates should not manscape together in the clubhouse during a ballgame.

10. BEDAZZLING. More Z’s on this list than I had anticipated. You all remember the Bedazzler from the 1990’s with the tagline “Don’t be dull, bedzazzling.” We don’t need Phillies players with Bedazzled cleats and uniforms. The Irish green uniforms are bad enough.

People were right. It could’ve been way worse than a couple of players Fortniting during a game.