Thank You Letter to Gabe Kapler

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Dear Gabe,

Your time here was short, too short if you ask me. You managed the Phillies like none other and you happened to change my life forever and for the better.

Remember your first game at Citizens Bank Park when you took out Aaron Nola with a 5-0 lead and 68 pitches thrown for Hoby Milner? You stated that it was a long season and Nola was going to be asked to pitch a ton of innings in defense of the move. That really resonated with me. I’m trying to hit the gym three days a week for fifty-two weeks so when my trainer wants me to do twenty burpees, I stop at three. It’s a long year. I need to pace myself as you did with Nola. Granted, my weight loss has slowed down but my workouts are a breeze now. As soon as I finish the third burpee, I just yell KAPLER and I’m done.

You and Hoby also contributed to another change in life that I’m grateful for. Remember when you brought Milner into the game without him warming up? It was no big deal and I’ve brought that logic into the bedroom. I was never a huge fan of foreplay so I’ve stopped it altogether. Who needs the warm-up. The wife isn’t super happy about this one, but few people truly embrace change without a little pushback. This has cut my love-making time in half and allows for more sports watching.

The wife has even bought into some of your practices, though she’s doing it as revenge for the lack of foreplay. When we eat ice cream, she tastes it for a while then spits it out into another bowl. She’s hoping to gross me out and truth is that it is slightly gross, but I think she’s lost a few pounds. #winning.

I’ve been really lazy at work lately and my boss has taken notice. She attempted to scold me, but then I reminded her how you rarely punished players for not running out hits and opted to push positivity. As soon as she starts with a discussion about my decline in productivity, I say WWKD. WHAT WOULD KAPLER DO?! She just shakes her head and walks away. Reprimands avoided!

I know that Bryce Harper rolled his eyes at your curveball idea, but I cannot thank you enough for that. I didn’t even know curveball machines existed. It’s changed my relationship with my nine-year-old nephew dramatically. He was a little full of himself from making the Under 10 All-Star team in Delaware. I purchased a curveball machine and I have him take swings whenever we get together. He can’t come close to making contact. It’s hysterical. He’s way easier to be around these days and is even a little nervous about moving up to the Under 11 team.

I always admired your friendship and camaraderie with Sean Rodriguez. You didn’t care if he was horribly mediocre or if fans criticized you. Your loyalty was admirable. You two seemed like best buds. That’s why I went out looking for my own Sean Rodriguez. I put out an ad on Tinder looking for someone named Sean Rodriguez for friendship and two responded. Sean #2 is great. We spend a lot of time together and he’s even taught me how to rollerblade.

Thanks, Gabe, for your out-of-the-box thinking, which has improved my life tremendously and your example of true friendship. I think me and Sean #2 are going to be lifelong friends. Most importantly, I want to thank you for being you. If you weren’t, we wouldn’t be welcoming Joe Girardi to the Phillies today.

Thank you! I hope you land a job managing in the Major Leagues really soon, preferably for a team the Phillies play often.

Sincerely,
A Grateful Phillies Fan.