Movie Etiquette: Don’t Be a Dick
Had the pleasure of seeing Leave No Trace this weekend at Philly’s Ritz East. Great movie, heavy. I recommend you see it. Of course, no movie experience can be complete without some self-centered toolbox infringing on the experience of others by being a dick with their rude behavior. Hence, it’s time for an episode of movie etiquette called: Don’t Be a Dick at the Movies.
One way not to be a dick is to show up on time. By “on time” we are talking about showing up within ten minutes of the scheduled time. That’s only acceptable if there are trailers. If you’re going to show up ten minutes late, at least figure out a way to confirm that there are trailers. For those of up who show up early, grab our seats, grab our snacks and settle in, you’re a complete fucking annoyance arriving once the trailers start. Some people like watching the trailers. I do not, but still…show some courtesy.
If you insist on being a dick and showing up more than ten minutes past the posted start time of the movie, please minimize your movie dickness by not turning on the light of your phone so you can more easily find seats in a darkened theater.
Dude and his lady this weekend showed up five minutes into the start of the film and proceeded to walk up a half-empty theater with his light on so he could get to the last row and walk to the center of the row. Dude easily passed a hundred empty seats with his light on, some on the aisle, so he could get to his preferred seats saying “sorry” a dozen of times along the way. Hey douchenozzle, if you were sorry you would’ve sat at the first seats you could see when there was a brighter scene WITHOUT turning on your phone light.
Being a dick also involves thinking you’re sly by holding your phone down by your side and texting your friends or checking emails? Yeah, you’re actually not. You know why? Because you haven’t adjusted your phone’s fuckin’ brightness. You know what that means? Every person to the side of you and behind you see a distracting glowing light in their peripheral vision or directly in front of them every time you look at your phone. EVERY. TIME.
I get it. People need to check in with emails and text messages to ensure that work or family is cool. Movie etiquette says: TURN THE BRIGHTNESS DOWN TO ITS LOWEST SETTING. Not low. The lowest setting for your brightness. You’re in a pitch-black movie theater. Trust me, you’ll still be able to see if little Johnny is behaving or if the team you bet on is winning.
Movie etiquette also require you to turn the ringer your phone OFF, not low, FUCKING OFF. How does this even happen at this point? I watched a movie where the main character refuses to own a cell phone and in the most emotional scene of the movie someone’s cell phone starts ringing a generic ringtone destroying the moment of the movie. The lady proceeded to answer the phone and then talk on it as she made her way down the aisle and out of the theater. Couldn’t she decline the call and then quietly make her way to the lobby to return the call? This isn’t hard people.
I like to snack as much as the next person at the movie theaters. Do us all a favor. If you eat enough of your popcorn that we can hear you digging for pieces of popped popcorn among the defiant un-popped kernels, buy a larger fuckin’ size next time. This is a total movie etiquette violation. You might not realize this, but as you dig you sound like a dog with separation anxiety trying to scratch his way through a door to find it’s guardians. In fact, but a large. Most theaters offer free refills on large size jawns so you don’t have to bother with avoiding un-popped kernels on the bag or tub floor.
That’s enough for now. I don’t want to overwhelm any offenders out there. The movie theater experience should be enjoyable for everyone paying those ridiculously exorbitant prices. Follow these simple, common-sense tenets of movie etiquette and you won’t have to worry about people wishing you ill-will or thinking you’re a dick.